i LOVE MY TOPIC..LOL..its been almost 6months.ok 8days to click
exactly six months since i said i do to the most amaizing man ever,and
oh yes iit been amazing amazing amazing.
im almost done with paragraph one and my thoughts are still abit scattered..lol
once
you get married,it kinda feels like there is this new big question in
town. so,how is married life" think i used to ask my friends the same
quetion,,no,wait,i never used to ask that exact q,i actually used to ask
specifics,like how is sex?how does it fel to always be together/??do u
fight??over wat???etc..but ya.i only get a few to ask directly as i use
to ..i noticed every newlywed gets to be asked the big Q"SO,HOW IS
MARRIED LIFE,spare some kidogo time bana,this is a learning curve..by
1month you you honestly still cant answer that question,ok its different
for everybody,i have a pal who was hukus crying week one after getting
home fom honeymoon,she felt overwhelmed by all the cooking while her
hubby was huko's relaxing in the living room chilling for food..another
one went for house work counselling end of month one coz she felt like a
house help!do not be too fast to laugh!!wait for your experience or
look back at your experience..i believe people have different
expectations or some dont think about it..depending with
personality,background etc etc..some of us calculate our steps before we
get there..like sooo dear head lets do an open ended case scenario of
our new life .personally i had to psycologically prep my self to be
preparing breakfast,i have never really been a breakfast person or ever
been in a position to wake up earlier to prep tea before..but now i had
todid it for a week,amonth,2moths 5months and im still doing it..its now
become part of me..its called adjustments.but still it takes
adjusting...I asked another pal of one thing she would say about
adjustments and she told me"even if you have dated for
7years..buyaaa..you do not know that man..when you start living
together,thats when you will start the journey of knowing him..sorry
thats when you begin the journey of knowing each other..so honey..stop
givinhg us that excuse while dating,ati"we r still getting to know each
other better n you have been dating for 4years"give us another
reason..spare us tha one...
I was talking to a pal of
mine(been talking to many pals...clearly) who told me that she came up
with a permanent answer to the question"how is married life"her answer
was"ITS A LEARNING CURVE' so i stole her line and put it in my purse and
use it when need be. truth be told it is a learning curve.tried and
tested
Another line i got recently,now this is personal
inspiration..howz is marrioed life my answer"ADJUSTMENTS GALORE"Maybe
all this sounds cliche but truth is they aint cliche ni "ukweli
mtupu"pure truth
In my few months in marriage i have come to learn one profound truth 'A good marriage,just like anything worthwhile,takes doing the right things EVERYDAY...EVERYHOUR...EVERYMOMENT..you can clearly see what i i mean when i say learning curve etc etc.
Honestly there is alot of "cliche that is very true in
marriage..like"you have to work at it"boooyah..ask me about it..things
dont just work themselves...ai..if you dont work at it..IT AINT
HAPPENING DARLING..If dont plan to spend time with hubby we will soon
become strangers,if i do not clean my house often it will become a
coackroach/rat haven,If i dont go out to get groceries in the market in
good time..il end up buying 1onion for 15bob at my estate gate while at
the market onions worth 200bob will push me for almost
2months.(verb-world)talk about intentionality..you have to be
intentional about quite everything..In my head as long as you are
married,you automatically spend enough time together and wont experience
dramas for"oh we no longer spend time together,we no longer do fun
activities.Honest truth is,even though you live in the same house,sleep
on the same bed..you can easily be srangers,perfect strangers or is it
housemates??you see the way at some point in life dad leaves the house
early in the morning and comes back when ur in bed or almost turning
in..yes!!yes!!you gotta make it work.
You basically have to adjust to almost to every life aspect(hanging out with ur gals..next post)
..hubby
is a night person and im more of an early to bed and early to rise is
the way to make you healthy n wealthy and wise..lol...so most often than
not hubby has to sacrifice all his energy aand turn in at ten coz his
wife wants to turn in..yes love equals sacrifice..i love stewed liver
hubby loves fried liver..we have to find a way of balancing that out..so
if this time we do fried,next time we do stewed..most often than not im
the chief chef and honest truth is at times im tempted to stew stew and
stew,,but hey love equals sacrifice.i used to iron my clothes when i
need to put them on.Hubby prefers ironing straight from the clothes
line,cough*cough*...one of those hard adjustments for me..but hey i
wonna be "that wife'im trying,i promise i am"Hubby has a particular way
he prefers his shirts hang on the line,almost took a pictorila tutorial
for this..i gotta remind myself everytime wen hanging his clothes on the
line,coz trust me he will know if i dont.Some adjustments are
easy,others need sacrifice,others are a daily thingie..but thez
grace..marriage is a school..adjusting to living together is fun in
different ways..cant wait to look back 10years later.
Adjusting to married life is a very interesting process in more ways than one.
I
believe every newly-wed couple goes through the same process of
adjusting like we do And at times i wished someone could have told me
what exactly to expect, so that I would feel like I was better
prepared. You know how you ask your friends who recently got married,
"So how is married life?" and they just say "It's fine, it's
wonderful!". You wish they would say more, but you don't know how to
ask. The truth is though, that no matter how much people tell you
before, you have to experience some things for yourself.
There is alot to adjusting..will continue in my next post:)keep it locked
Friday, 28 September 2012
Thursday, 27 September 2012
Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe
By Renee Swope
Head
Father, I ask that You would continually renew my husband’s mind, resulting in a transformed life. Help him bring every thought to Christ and make it obedient to You. Give him a greater understanding of Your Word. Help him to think on things that are pure and right and worthy of praise.” (Psalm 119:15, Rom 12:2, 2 Cor.10:5)
Eyes
Lord, keep open my husband’s eyes to spiritual truths that You have for him. Help him to see things as You see them. Please guard his eyes from things that make his heart wander away from you and me. (Psalm 119:18, Psalm 119:37)
Ears
Father, help my husband to hear Your voice clearly. Give him wisdom to recognize your voice with certainty. Protect him from listening to those who aren’t seeking or walking with You. Guard him from negativity of what others say, and help him discern between good and evil. Thank you for giving him the ability to determine what is of You and what is not. (Is 30:21, 1 Kings 3:9, 1 John 4:1)
Mouth
Jesus, help my husband to speak the truth in love. Your desire is for him to be quick to listen and slow to speak – so I pray that you would make that his desire too. Give him courage to lovingly confront when necessary. Let the words he speaks be Yours, not his own. Help him speak words that bring grace and truth to the hearers. Thank you that You want to help him grow in his ability and desire to communicate with you and others. (Psalm 19:14, 119:13, 41:3; Eph 4:15, 4:29; James 1:19)
Heart
Lord, instill in my husband’s heart a desire to seek passionately after You. Teach him to guard his heart with diligence and wisdom. Help him deal with anything in his heart that is not pleasing to You or that separates him from You. Create in him a pure heart, O Lord. Thank you that You are enabling him to lead our family with integrity and honor. (Psalm 78:72, 119:10-11; Prov 4:23; 1 Thes 3:13)
Hands
Lord, I pray everything my husband does would be done with his whole heart, serving You rather than man. Seeking to please You alone. I pray You will increase his skills and his abilities so that he might bring honor and glory to you – and feel like a good provider for our family. Thank You for blessing everything he puts his hands to. (Psalm 24:3-4, Col 3:23)
Feet
Jesus, I pray my husband would love Your Words and walk in Your ways. Help him walk in a manner that is worthy of You, bearing fruit in every good work. I pray You’d show him how to creatively share your truth with our kids as he does life with them each day. Father, when he walks through the valley of the shadow of doubt and difficulties, I pray he would fear no evil because He knows that you are with him. Thank you for loving and leading Him. (Deut 6:7, 8:6, Col 1:10, Psalm 23:4)
Saturday, 31 December 2011
LAST DAY OF THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND AND ELEVEN
wOHHO..ARZIN ITS 31ST DEC 2011...I CAN VIVIDLY REMEMBER MY 31ST DEC 2010 AND THE NEXT DAY 1ST JAN 2011..WHAT I WORE.WHERE I WENT WHAT I DID..ARZIN I CAN REMEMBER THE DETAILS.OKEY MAYBE COZ I SPENT THE DAY WITH MY BOYFRIEND..LOL..WE WENt out of Nairobi..lukenya getaway it was.it was an awesome way of spending the first day of the year.well,tomorrow,the 1st of jan 2012 i will be in this office working,though it will be more of manning the office coz i believe i will be very sleepy after tonight's night vigil.oh well,whatever the case,i i will survive,i intend on being in the office as from ten in the am.
Now,now,now,its soo happens that when one reflects on how far they have come,what the year has been like,all the activities,emotions,ups and downs,what?there is alot that can happen in 12months,52weeks,those are many seasons right there,what i was protected against that i still don't have a clue about ,i suppose it was quite something,If it was not for the lord,where would i be??*i don't know*and this is the reason why all that's on my mind right now is gratitude,so grateful for all the year has been with God on my side,im alive n well,i have a family,friends,im engaged to get married in 98 days oh my word*excitement*i have been blessed with a job,wow i have been on this job for several years now,and it just God..may the lord teach me to always be grateful.i think i have said this,but let me just repeat..all this is because of you lord,if it wasn't for you where would i be??whatever would have happened in my life,i don't even what to think about t..so i say thank you...For my good friends..oh my friends are a support system,if it wasn't for some of them,ouch,life wouldn't have been this awesome..so im looking forward to an awesome time of thanksgiving n of committing the year ahead to God,tonight in church...Despite the heavy threats of insecurity in our country.i believe that our God is mighty to save,He is our shield n protector..and He has our back,so all is well.looking forward to an awesome year ahead,for Kenya as a nation..if the land prospers i prosper too..to the body of Christ,for my family,for my friends and me n myn as well..Getting married in 98days*i said that already,oh well*im just being a girl*,trusting God for favour,providence,Good weather on my wedding day,praying for all my service providers,that the lord will keep them in good health n that we will find favour with them,n they will deliver awesomely..as unto the lord.my family,fiancee,friends,relatives and i will b protected against any plans of the evil one,we will b in good health as well,peace of mind..that all the planning will go well,all for the glory and honour of God's name.We will be looking for a house to move into(our family home)may the lord.lead us to where he wants us to stay,where we will be happy,have peace,be a blessing n find blessings..you know what im talking about..I commit all that to God..i know/trust/believe that He will come through..Now the tangent has changed and all my mind is thinking about is about all i want/desire for 2012..bet that will b on another post..this post was meant for 2011 n gratitude..so with that,il say adios for today...Thank you lord,for your goodness and kindness..amen
Now,now,now,its soo happens that when one reflects on how far they have come,what the year has been like,all the activities,emotions,ups and downs,what?there is alot that can happen in 12months,52weeks,those are many seasons right there,what i was protected against that i still don't have a clue about ,i suppose it was quite something,If it was not for the lord,where would i be??*
Thursday, 15 December 2011
GRATITIDE AS A BUSINESS STRATEGY
i read this somewhere online n i thot it wise to save it for future reference..i liked it:)D
Most of us are fantastic complainers. When someone doesn't meet our expectations, we let them know. We may even let their boss or mother know.
There's nothing wrong with expecting excellence, and taking steps to get it. The problem is, we tend to take excellence--and thoughtfulness, and kindness, and joyfulness--for granted.
When things go as we expect, we don't even notice or acknowledge it. Dennis Prager refers to this as the "broken tile" syndrome: look at a ceiling with one broken tile, and where is your eye naturally drawn? To the broken tile, of course. Not to the hundreds of whole ones.
Gratitude Deficit Disorder: A Global Epidemic
Almost everyone I know, from pastors to parents, from cashiers to carpet cleaners, from architects to accountants, suffers from GDD: Gratitude Deficit Disorder. Despite all our good intentions and actions, we receive much more flak than gratitude. We are hungry for genuine appreciation and thanks. We want to know that we matter, that our efforts are making the world a better place.
And so do your customers and vendors and coworkers and friends and family. Think back on the past year. It's been tough for many of us, for many reasons. What have your business associates done that you are truly thankful for? An extra phone call? A volunteer effort? Special customer service? An unsolicited referral or testimonial?
Between now and the end of the year, how can you communicate your appreciation? How can you fill the global hunger for gratitude? How can you catch people in the act of goodness? Spend five minutes now making a list of people you are sincerely grateful towards. Then create an action plan to communicate your thanks, with no hidden agenda.
Real Gratitude, Not Opportunistic Holiday BS
I'm not talking about Thanksgiving sales fliers: "To thank you for your patronage, we're giving you 10% off all XXXL purple dress shirts from now until we make our sales quota."
No, I'm talking about honest, unselfish, respectful acknowledgment of another human being. Actually, I take that back--partly. Living gratefully is probably the most selfish thing you can do. In the moments when I am bathed in gratitude, for a caring gesture or a spectacular autumn morning, I feel phenomenal.
And you can take that selfishness even further: When people notice that you thank them for their efforts, they'll naturally work even harder to please you in the future. They may even start thanking you for your good work!
Do you think it's possible that communicating an attitude of gratitude in your business could actually make you more money? Remember the cardinal rule of business: "Find a need and fill it."
Who do you know who is a masterful "thanker"? Do you have any stories or examples of gratitude as a marketing strategy? (If so, please share them in the comments below.) As Ken Blanchard writes, "All of us is smarter than any of us."
Happy Thanksgiving. I wish you a holiday season filled with abundance--lots of love, lots of kindness, and lots of gratitude.
Gratitude As A Business Strategy
There's nothing wrong with expecting excellence, and taking steps to get it. The problem is, we tend to take excellence--and thoughtfulness, and kindness, and joyfulness--for granted.
When things go as we expect, we don't even notice or acknowledge it. Dennis Prager refers to this as the "broken tile" syndrome: look at a ceiling with one broken tile, and where is your eye naturally drawn? To the broken tile, of course. Not to the hundreds of whole ones.
Most people return small favors, acknowledge medium ones and repay greater ones - with ingratitude.
--Benjamin Franklin
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.
--William Arthur Ward
Feeling grateful or appreciative of someone or something in your life actually attracts more of the things that you appreciate and value into your life.
--Christiane Northrup
If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is "thank you," it will be enough.
--Meister Eckhart
To see if this is true for you, think for a moment about your many contributions to the people around you. Do you get thanked enough for them? Does the gratitude-to-criticism ratio you experience feel right to you?--Benjamin Franklin
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.
--William Arthur Ward
Feeling grateful or appreciative of someone or something in your life actually attracts more of the things that you appreciate and value into your life.
--Christiane Northrup
If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is "thank you," it will be enough.
--Meister Eckhart
Gratitude Deficit Disorder: A Global Epidemic
Almost everyone I know, from pastors to parents, from cashiers to carpet cleaners, from architects to accountants, suffers from GDD: Gratitude Deficit Disorder. Despite all our good intentions and actions, we receive much more flak than gratitude. We are hungry for genuine appreciation and thanks. We want to know that we matter, that our efforts are making the world a better place.
And so do your customers and vendors and coworkers and friends and family. Think back on the past year. It's been tough for many of us, for many reasons. What have your business associates done that you are truly thankful for? An extra phone call? A volunteer effort? Special customer service? An unsolicited referral or testimonial?
Between now and the end of the year, how can you communicate your appreciation? How can you fill the global hunger for gratitude? How can you catch people in the act of goodness? Spend five minutes now making a list of people you are sincerely grateful towards. Then create an action plan to communicate your thanks, with no hidden agenda.
Real Gratitude, Not Opportunistic Holiday BS
I'm not talking about Thanksgiving sales fliers: "To thank you for your patronage, we're giving you 10% off all XXXL purple dress shirts from now until we make our sales quota."
No, I'm talking about honest, unselfish, respectful acknowledgment of another human being. Actually, I take that back--partly. Living gratefully is probably the most selfish thing you can do. In the moments when I am bathed in gratitude, for a caring gesture or a spectacular autumn morning, I feel phenomenal.
And you can take that selfishness even further: When people notice that you thank them for their efforts, they'll naturally work even harder to please you in the future. They may even start thanking you for your good work!
Do you think it's possible that communicating an attitude of gratitude in your business could actually make you more money? Remember the cardinal rule of business: "Find a need and fill it."
Who do you know who is a masterful "thanker"? Do you have any stories or examples of gratitude as a marketing strategy? (If so, please share them in the comments below.) As Ken Blanchard writes, "All of us is smarter than any of us."
Happy Thanksgiving. I wish you a holiday season filled with abundance--lots of love, lots of kindness, and lots of gratitude.
I HAVE MY LIFE CUT OUT FOR ME
like SERIOUSLY..MY life is already planned out for me..not like i did not know this,but let us just say i had a light bulb moment today at 5 in the am..then,i couldn't remember any bible verse to support my light bulb moment shine for longer(u know being all deep n stuff lol)but now i actually think of this verse..ephesian 2:10"for He created me to do the good works which he'd prepared for me to do in advance;halleluya..halleluya again...awesome mamboz.
So now i was working night-shift yesterday and as is the norm,us guyz have a mattress in the office that we roll out at like 1 in the am..n just lay to rest..our brains are like super adjustable.. n know wosap..coz we answer phone calls n respond to the latter..a clients knocks we open n issue tickets perfectly..no mishap..u get my drift?aha...so today happened to be one of those lazy mornings where..someone knocked my office door like at 5in the am..i was kinda deep in sleep..i woke up n talked to them..apparently there were two clients down stairs who wanted to buy tickets but not before they knew how much the tickets cost..so in my head im like hey bummer you guyz just come up n make all your inquiries..i know like a doctor i should charge for consultation but i don't so just come up..unfortunately i talked aloud n said.."i don't like such clients"the guy who'd knocked my door wasn't jazzed..im sure he was thinking"woman,customer is always right"by the way i have beef with that line..THEY/WE ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT..(long topic for another day)so yah..i told them to come up n they decided to send one of them up..The needed to get to Mombasa on the 1st flight..unfortunately kq's 6am flight had been cancelled..fly540's 0645 am flight was fully booked..so the only option was jet-link n man..the available seats were quite on the high like 9k 5soc compared to the usual 4k 5socfor a one way ticket(hey its Christmas)..so the man walks out n starts chatting with his colleague who is on the ground floor..negotiating the price n so on..then they are like..oh gwosh,no,we aint buying thats toooo costly for crying out loud,...ah,ah(klike talking alound..one or the balcony the other one down there n its lyk 5am..the whole sound travels faster thingie)..since thed woken me up..i was soo pissed..i nkt'd severally..n thats when i got the light bulb moment that my work is actually planned for m,e..n so are my clients..they are people who God has already ordained that they will travel on day x..n cum what may,i will be the one to issue there tickets..there some pips..despite how far worlds apart we were born we will become good friends..things that will unfold in my life are already planned for by God,,nothing gets him by surprise..my clients are cut out for me,my job,my rshps..my children,my retirement.,my tomorrow,my next year.....and 30minutes later the man n the lady came knocking at my door..asking me to sell them the tickets to mombasa at the price of 9k 5soc..(like they had a choice;;mmm)cash at hand ready for my service..i did it gladly(knowing the had shopped round..maybe even went to the kq sales office and they were given the 11k 5soc fare..i had checked that out from the system..there goes the advantages of a travel agency..we give you different flight options and different fares hence you determine want you want to spend..so hey..i made 2extra walk in sales..that i hadn't planned for but God had it planned out for me..yayness:)
So now i was working night-shift yesterday and as is the norm,us guyz have a mattress in the office that we roll out at like 1 in the am..n just lay to rest..our brains are like super adjustable.. n know wosap..coz we answer phone calls n respond to the latter..a clients knocks we open n issue tickets perfectly..no mishap..u get my drift?aha...so today happened to be one of those lazy mornings where..someone knocked my office door like at 5in the am..i was kinda deep in sleep..i woke up n talked to them..apparently there were two clients down stairs who wanted to buy tickets but not before they knew how much the tickets cost..so in my head im like hey bummer you guyz just come up n make all your inquiries..i know like a doctor i should charge for consultation but i don't so just come up..unfortunately i talked aloud n said.."i don't like such clients"the guy who'd knocked my door wasn't jazzed..im sure he was thinking"woman,customer is always right"by the way i have beef with that line..THEY/WE ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT..(long topic for another day)so yah..i told them to come up n they decided to send one of them up..The needed to get to Mombasa on the 1st flight..unfortunately kq's 6am flight had been cancelled..fly540's 0645 am flight was fully booked..so the only option was jet-link n man..the available seats were quite on the high like 9k 5soc compared to the usual 4k 5socfor a one way ticket(hey its Christmas)..so the man walks out n starts chatting with his colleague who is on the ground floor..negotiating the price n so on..then they are like..oh gwosh,no,we aint buying thats toooo costly for crying out loud,...ah,ah(klike talking alound..one or the balcony the other one down there n its lyk 5am..the whole sound travels faster thingie)..since thed woken me up..i was soo pissed..i nkt'd severally..n thats when i got the light bulb moment that my work is actually planned for m,e..n so are my clients..they are people who God has already ordained that they will travel on day x..n cum what may,i will be the one to issue there tickets..there some pips..despite how far worlds apart we were born we will become good friends..things that will unfold in my life are already planned for by God,,nothing gets him by surprise..my clients are cut out for me,my job,my rshps..my children,my retirement.,my tomorrow,my next year.....and 30minutes later the man n the lady came knocking at my door..asking me to sell them the tickets to mombasa at the price of 9k 5soc..(like they had a choice;;mmm)cash at hand ready for my service..i did it gladly(knowing the had shopped round..maybe even went to the kq sales office and they were given the 11k 5soc fare..i had checked that out from the system..there goes the advantages of a travel agency..we give you different flight options and different fares hence you determine want you want to spend..so hey..i made 2extra walk in sales..that i hadn't planned for but God had it planned out for me..yayness:)
Thursday, 8 December 2011
LEARNING TO LISTEN
It may sound like a cliché but you may have heard many happy couples say the key to staying together is communication. Usually what springs to mind when you hear this is: you and your partner should be able to talk to each other, express your feelings clearly, don't bottle things up, etc. Of course, you can't keep a relationship alive without talking to your partner. How else would you get to know them, find out their likes and dislikes? And how else will you share your feelings, thoughts, goals and motivations with each other?
However, something that is often overlooked in communication is the art of listening. Being in a healthy relationship means you must be able to listen as much as you talk. Really, one person cannot be doing the talking all the time. At any point, somebody will be talking and somebody has to be listening, otherwise the communication is not complete. This is important in any relationship, but even more so in marriage.
In the early stages in a relationship, it's easy to take turns talking and listening because you are curious to know what the other person has to say to what you tell them, you hang onto their every word and enjoy listening to their voice. As you settle down into a long-tern relationship however, we get comfortable together and may develop some bad communication practices: you start getting used to hearing their voice, so you may unconsciously tune them out. Or you get into the habit of thinking you know what they are about to say anyway, so you don't bother to wait for them to finish their sentences. Or you listen to half of their sentence, before interrupting them with something else that you want to say. I'll tell you of a few examples of how easy it is to NOT listen.
Sometimes when hubby and I are discussing a topic that we both have strong feelings about, I've found that it is easy for both of us to talk about his/her own views, because we both want our views to be heard. Not listening to each other sometimes means that at the end of the day, a lot of words have been spoken, but nobody has taken anything new on board. Why? Because we were both talking at the same time and neither of us was listening.
Another thing that springs to mind is when hubby is trying to talk to me when I'm watching TV, chatting to my friends online or reading a book. Sometimes I just don't hear what he is saying. And sometimes I hear with my ears, but my brain doesn't register any information, so some time later, I'll have to ask, "Sorry what were you saying?"
Or another example: I'll ask hubby a question and he'll say yes. Later on he will ask me why I took the action I did and I'll tell him, "But I asked you and you said yes", and he'll say, "When did you ask me?". This means that he wasn't really listening when I was talking to him, he was distracted by something else that was going on.
Previously, I wasn't aware that I had to actually learn the art of listening. I thought those things come naturally as long as we had a healthy relationship. I now know that no matter how good a relationship is, there is always room for improvement. And I needed to improve my listening skills. Not listening to hubby has led to misunderstandings in the past, and a breakdown in our communication; things that I would rather avoid.
Some time ago, I read a chapter of The Marriage Book that dealt with communication: specifically on the topic of talking and listening (I would recommend reading it!). The authors talked about the things you need to do to be a good listener. One important thing is making the effort to give our partner our full attention. This is not as easy as it sounds. Imagine I'm watching my favourite TV show and hubby decides he wants to have a conversation. It will take a lot of effort on my part to switch off from the TV and turn my attention to what he's saying. And if I can't concentrate on what he's saying, it may be worth asking him to give me a few minutes till the end of the programme. But if it's something really important to him, then he should take priority over the TV show right?
Something else the chapter talked about was our body language. Usually when we are giving someone our full attention, we tend to use eye contact and other subconscious signals. If I'm talking to someone and they can't be bothered to look at me or show any signs of interest, then I'm likely to feel ignored. So I'm also learning to pay attention to my body language when I'm having an important conversation with hubby.
I could go on and on, but you get the picture. If we are thoughtful of the way we talk and listen to each other in a relationship, we will certainly benefit from better communication. I know I am getting better at listening now than I was a few years ago :)
However, something that is often overlooked in communication is the art of listening. Being in a healthy relationship means you must be able to listen as much as you talk. Really, one person cannot be doing the talking all the time. At any point, somebody will be talking and somebody has to be listening, otherwise the communication is not complete. This is important in any relationship, but even more so in marriage.
In the early stages in a relationship, it's easy to take turns talking and listening because you are curious to know what the other person has to say to what you tell them, you hang onto their every word and enjoy listening to their voice. As you settle down into a long-tern relationship however, we get comfortable together and may develop some bad communication practices: you start getting used to hearing their voice, so you may unconsciously tune them out. Or you get into the habit of thinking you know what they are about to say anyway, so you don't bother to wait for them to finish their sentences. Or you listen to half of their sentence, before interrupting them with something else that you want to say. I'll tell you of a few examples of how easy it is to NOT listen.
Sometimes when hubby and I are discussing a topic that we both have strong feelings about, I've found that it is easy for both of us to talk about his/her own views, because we both want our views to be heard. Not listening to each other sometimes means that at the end of the day, a lot of words have been spoken, but nobody has taken anything new on board. Why? Because we were both talking at the same time and neither of us was listening.
Another thing that springs to mind is when hubby is trying to talk to me when I'm watching TV, chatting to my friends online or reading a book. Sometimes I just don't hear what he is saying. And sometimes I hear with my ears, but my brain doesn't register any information, so some time later, I'll have to ask, "Sorry what were you saying?"
Or another example: I'll ask hubby a question and he'll say yes. Later on he will ask me why I took the action I did and I'll tell him, "But I asked you and you said yes", and he'll say, "When did you ask me?". This means that he wasn't really listening when I was talking to him, he was distracted by something else that was going on.
Previously, I wasn't aware that I had to actually learn the art of listening. I thought those things come naturally as long as we had a healthy relationship. I now know that no matter how good a relationship is, there is always room for improvement. And I needed to improve my listening skills. Not listening to hubby has led to misunderstandings in the past, and a breakdown in our communication; things that I would rather avoid.
Some time ago, I read a chapter of The Marriage Book that dealt with communication: specifically on the topic of talking and listening (I would recommend reading it!). The authors talked about the things you need to do to be a good listener. One important thing is making the effort to give our partner our full attention. This is not as easy as it sounds. Imagine I'm watching my favourite TV show and hubby decides he wants to have a conversation. It will take a lot of effort on my part to switch off from the TV and turn my attention to what he's saying. And if I can't concentrate on what he's saying, it may be worth asking him to give me a few minutes till the end of the programme. But if it's something really important to him, then he should take priority over the TV show right?
Something else the chapter talked about was our body language. Usually when we are giving someone our full attention, we tend to use eye contact and other subconscious signals. If I'm talking to someone and they can't be bothered to look at me or show any signs of interest, then I'm likely to feel ignored. So I'm also learning to pay attention to my body language when I'm having an important conversation with hubby.
I could go on and on, but you get the picture. If we are thoughtful of the way we talk and listen to each other in a relationship, we will certainly benefit from better communication. I know I am getting better at listening now than I was a few years ago :)
WHAT I WANT/ED IN A MAN
Sometimes my friends ask me what attracted me to my Husband. Did I get everything I wanted in a man? Did he meet all my expectations of "husband material"? What's important and what's not? These questions are of course dependent on individual choices. But we should have a good idea of what we want.
One day my church organized a singles meeting which I attended. We were asked to do several exercises. One of them was to write out what attributes we desired in our future partner. We all wrote our answers on paper and gave them to the woman leading the meeting. She read some of them out. There was stuff like rich, handsome, charismatic, tall, cute etc. She almost laughed at all of us. She said that we had obviously not given it much thought. Where were our priorities? We were thinking of the superficial stuff, not thinking about what really brings lasting joy, peace and satisfaction in a relationship. Whatever happened to characteristics like God-fearing, disciplined, focused, reliable, honest, hardworking, caring, responsible, kind, committed, gentle, self-controlled, mature, respectful etc....? She tore up our lists and asked us to write new ones, and this time we should think before we just wrote some random things that popped into our heads. The second time we submitted our lists, our priorities seemed to have changed. LOL.
That meeting got me thinking though. I realised that I had to define what was really important to me, and what I could compromise on. Each of us at that meeting had to. Truthfully, before I met Mr I just had a very hazy picture in my head of what I wanted in a man. I had decided I wanted my husband to be like my dad - someone kind, generous and funny. He would have to be as educated as I was, because I enjoy meaningful and stimulating conversations. I wanted a God-fearing man because I knew it would have to be a man willing to wait till we got married before I slept with him. I knew I wanted someone I could trust, someone that I could rely on, and someone who would be my best friend. These were things I knew I could not compromise on. Things like the car he drove, the brand of clothes and perfume he wore, the schools he went to or the amount of money he had, I could easily compromise on. As per physical attributes, I thought I wanted someone 'tall, dark and handsome'. LOL, I guess I read too many Mills and Boon novels when I was a teenager. I put these ideas into prayers. Actually I had defined what I wanted but not what I needed. I thank God that He knew my needs and met them. I actually got a better deal than I had imagined in my mind. I am not saying hubby is perfect, none of us is. But he is God's perfect choice for me.
Now I didn't get everything on my wishlist. He is not 'tall, dark and handsome' the way I had imagined my husband would be. He is not yet as 'rich' as I would have wanted him to be. But my superficial judgement melted away as I got to know more of him. First, it was his confidence that attracted me. From the minute I met him, he exuded some natural aura about him that just draws people. Second, he made me feel good about myself. Third he was so easy to talk to. When we are talking, the conversation flows so easily even when we are not agreeing. Fourth, he didn't try to 'buy' or bribe me to like him by sending me loads of gifts, he just allowed me to get to know him for who he is. Fifth, he is a cheerful person, he knows how to cheer me up when issues are weighing on my mind. Sixth, he is driven and motivated, and he knows what he wants and he is willing to work to get it. And of course, he is a Godfearing, christian man. These initial attributes made me like him at the start. As time went on, I found out more and more about him that mirrored my deepest heart desires. One thing I realised after I had been going out with him for a few months was that he always brings out the best in me. And that is what a man is supposed to do for his woman. (Any guy that brings out the worst in me is definitely not Mr Right!)
Now the second half of this exercise at the singles meeting. After we had written our proper lists, the woman leading the meeting asked us a question. What kind of woman do you think the guy with all the attributes you have written would go for? Are you his type? If you have written that you want a guy that is hardworking, bear in mind that he is not likely to want a lazy wife. Or if you desire a man that is responsible and caring, realise that he is likely to be attracted to a responsible and caring girl as well! You as the lady, would have to step-up to meet his high standards. Then she asked us to write our own attributes that we think a guy would desire in us. (Gosh, more thinking for us to do). This time we took a lot longer to write our lists. Things like tall, sexy, cute and pretty didn't come into it. This made us realise that we had to be as good as what we desired. So when I met Mr, I asked him what attributes he desired most in his woman. He mentioned a few things. Some I could meet easily and some I am still working on. Thank God he was willing to compromise too (:-)
One day my church organized a singles meeting which I attended. We were asked to do several exercises. One of them was to write out what attributes we desired in our future partner. We all wrote our answers on paper and gave them to the woman leading the meeting. She read some of them out. There was stuff like rich, handsome, charismatic, tall, cute etc. She almost laughed at all of us. She said that we had obviously not given it much thought. Where were our priorities? We were thinking of the superficial stuff, not thinking about what really brings lasting joy, peace and satisfaction in a relationship. Whatever happened to characteristics like God-fearing, disciplined, focused, reliable, honest, hardworking, caring, responsible, kind, committed, gentle, self-controlled, mature, respectful etc....? She tore up our lists and asked us to write new ones, and this time we should think before we just wrote some random things that popped into our heads. The second time we submitted our lists, our priorities seemed to have changed. LOL.
That meeting got me thinking though. I realised that I had to define what was really important to me, and what I could compromise on. Each of us at that meeting had to. Truthfully, before I met Mr I just had a very hazy picture in my head of what I wanted in a man. I had decided I wanted my husband to be like my dad - someone kind, generous and funny. He would have to be as educated as I was, because I enjoy meaningful and stimulating conversations. I wanted a God-fearing man because I knew it would have to be a man willing to wait till we got married before I slept with him. I knew I wanted someone I could trust, someone that I could rely on, and someone who would be my best friend. These were things I knew I could not compromise on. Things like the car he drove, the brand of clothes and perfume he wore, the schools he went to or the amount of money he had, I could easily compromise on. As per physical attributes, I thought I wanted someone 'tall, dark and handsome'. LOL, I guess I read too many Mills and Boon novels when I was a teenager. I put these ideas into prayers. Actually I had defined what I wanted but not what I needed. I thank God that He knew my needs and met them. I actually got a better deal than I had imagined in my mind. I am not saying hubby is perfect, none of us is. But he is God's perfect choice for me.
Now I didn't get everything on my wishlist. He is not 'tall, dark and handsome' the way I had imagined my husband would be. He is not yet as 'rich' as I would have wanted him to be. But my superficial judgement melted away as I got to know more of him. First, it was his confidence that attracted me. From the minute I met him, he exuded some natural aura about him that just draws people. Second, he made me feel good about myself. Third he was so easy to talk to. When we are talking, the conversation flows so easily even when we are not agreeing. Fourth, he didn't try to 'buy' or bribe me to like him by sending me loads of gifts, he just allowed me to get to know him for who he is. Fifth, he is a cheerful person, he knows how to cheer me up when issues are weighing on my mind. Sixth, he is driven and motivated, and he knows what he wants and he is willing to work to get it. And of course, he is a Godfearing, christian man. These initial attributes made me like him at the start. As time went on, I found out more and more about him that mirrored my deepest heart desires. One thing I realised after I had been going out with him for a few months was that he always brings out the best in me. And that is what a man is supposed to do for his woman. (Any guy that brings out the worst in me is definitely not Mr Right!)
Now the second half of this exercise at the singles meeting. After we had written our proper lists, the woman leading the meeting asked us a question. What kind of woman do you think the guy with all the attributes you have written would go for? Are you his type? If you have written that you want a guy that is hardworking, bear in mind that he is not likely to want a lazy wife. Or if you desire a man that is responsible and caring, realise that he is likely to be attracted to a responsible and caring girl as well! You as the lady, would have to step-up to meet his high standards. Then she asked us to write our own attributes that we think a guy would desire in us. (Gosh, more thinking for us to do). This time we took a lot longer to write our lists. Things like tall, sexy, cute and pretty didn't come into it. This made us realise that we had to be as good as what we desired. So when I met Mr, I asked him what attributes he desired most in his woman. He mentioned a few things. Some I could meet easily and some I am still working on. Thank God he was willing to compromise too (:-)
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