ADJUSTMENTS in marriage (the series..

One day Mr and I went shopping outside our town. It was just before Christmas, about five months after our wedding. At the mall, we bumped into a friend of mine. I decided to hang out with her, since Mr was getting bored already, so we parted ways and agreed to meet in a few hours. My friend and I shopped to our heart’s content and when we got tired; we went to a café and sat down to have a bite and a chat. As we sat down, she turned to me and asked, “So, FG I’ve been meaning to ask you. How is married life?”
I wanted to answer the question honestly, so I told her that married life is a lot of fun, but there are many adjustments to make. She asked me what kind of adjustments, and I told her that they were stuff you would never think of if you were a single girl living on your own and accountable to no one but yourself. I told her, “For example, when we were shopping just now, I had to be mindful about the clothes and underwear I was buying, because someone cares about them”. She found that really funny and said that she couldn’t imagine having to put someone else in the picture when making the smallest decisions such as the clothes she bought or what she wore underneath. I laughed and told her that it does take a long time to get used to.

Apart from that though, there were a few more “inconveniences” we had to work around, for example:

We had to learn to share the television fairly. Who knew that something that sounds so simple in theory can actually be very complicated? Mr and I have very different taste in TV programmes. I like watching dramas and sitcoms, he likes watching wild-life documentaries, sports and news debates. Even when we want to watch movies, his choices are always very different from mine. Cue arguments and accusations such as “change the channel, my show is on now!”….“But you’ve watched that show a hundred times; can I watch my own show now?”….. “Hey, you can’t change the channel; my show comes up in a minute”…… “Can we watch something else?”…… “Babe please change the channel, this show is boring!”…… etc. You get the picture (lol). How we manage to resolve it? Patience, patience, patience and compromise, as in seriously. Recently, reminders and one-hour-later channels have made a big difference too. LOL

One of my hobbies is listening to music. Preferably as loud as possible, with me singing along since I usually know all the lyrics by heart. To me, that’s one of the ways I relax and tune out stress. For example, after a long day at lectures or at work, when I get home, the first thing I do is to put on my CD player or my laptop and turn up the volume. Now this was fine until I got married and I had to factor in somebody else living in the same house as me. I got a shock one day when I was enjoying my music in the afternoon. Mr came into the living room and said I was making noise and he wanted some peace and quiet. I stared at him as if he wasn’t making sense. How could he call my music “noise” and ask me to turn it off? Did he not know that listening to music was one of my favourite things to do? We argued for ages but we still didn’t come to a resolution. I just couldn’t imagine giving up listening to music because of him. He suggested that I should use headphones. I grudgingly obliged but it was just not the same. Now though, I have learnt to leave the room he is in when I’ve got my music playing. And I make the most of it when he is not at home and I can turn it up as loud as I want to!
Something else that needed to be worked out was sharing the chores in the house. In this re gard, I must say I’ve not had much of a problem, as Mr gets stuck in with the housework and he doesn’t leave it all to just me. He doesn’t like dirt and grime so he would rather scrub the tub himself, for example, than wait for me to do it. We’ve got some unspoken rules as to who does what, but they are flexible depending on who got there first. And we don’t have a time-table as such so we just do our chores as and when necessary. Usually on Saturdays, he wakes up before me and starts tidying up and I’ll join him later. And sometimes, I take charge, make a list of what needs to be done and we share both the difficult and easy tasks accordingly. It works well for us right now, but I have a feeling that when we have kids, we will need to be clearer on who does what!

PS:Repping a friendie

THE LADY HER LOVER AND HER LORD

Adjusting to married life was a very interesting process in more ways than one. Sometimes I found myself wondering if every newly-wed couple had to go through the same process of adjusting like we did. And I wished someone could have told me what exactly to expect, so that I would feel like I was better prepared. You know how you ask your friends who recently got married, "So how is married life?" and they just say "It's fine, it's wonderful!". You wish they would say more, but you don't know how to ask. The truth is though, that no matter how much people tell you before, you have to experience some things for yourself.(i will emphasize that to the end,somethings you will learn on your own gurlie..liz ha!!)lol
 Here's an example of something I wish somebody told me earlier.

In my last three years as a single girl, I had developed a close relationship with God. I used to worship, pray and read my bible every day without fail. I enjoyed spending time in my Heavenly Father's presence as much as I could. I could pour out my heart to my God anytime and He always answered me. I always felt that I was God's special daughter and nothing could take away that wonderful relationship from me. God's love and His presence was always around me. My heavenly father was a big guiding factor in everything I did because I always made sure I consulted Him before making any big decisions. He was the main "man" in my life and my world revolved around Him.

A few months after I finished my Masters degree and moved back home, I suddenly noticed something odd. Something was definitely different in my Christian life, God was out! I had gotten so excited about having a new permanent man in my life that I had edged God out and didn't crave His presence anymore. In the middle of adjusting to married life, having a husband and becoming a wife, my heavenly Father had taken a back seat! My time, my focus and my mind was now filled with thoughts of my husband 24/7 that I didn't have time for God anymore. In essence, I had replaced God with hubby. At first I was slightly worried but I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I had done it on purpose, it just happened that way..... I didn't know whether to feel guilty about it or not..... I didn't know whether this was quite a normal thing to happen to other newlywed brides...... I didn't know whether it was just me getting carried away with my new status. So I didn't do anything, I didn't even discuss it with hubby.

As time went on though, I began to question myself. Why have I replaced God with my husband? Isn't that dangerous? Hubby might be a good man and all, but really nobody can and should take the place of God in my life. I couldn't even pray any more because I had lost the urge to! So I started fretting and making myself confused and worried. Until one day I decided to call my pastor's wife to ask her if she had experienced the same thing when she first got married. I hoped she would then be able to give me some advice. When I called the pastor, I asked to speak to his wife but she was not around. He could tell I was distressed about something so he asked what the matter was. I told him everything I had been feeling and surprisingly he laughed! He said it was alright and God understands, and He was not angry with me for working on bonding with my husband. He also said that the fact that I'm worried about it shows that I am missing something, so I should just relax and allow myself to slowly get back in tune with God.
It was such a relief to hear that! Afterwards I went to pray and it was something along the lines of: "Lord please help me, it's no more just me and You, it's now Me, You and Him so I need Your wisdom to guide me so I can balance having both of you in my life".

About a week later, I was chatting online to a friend of mine from uni and she asked me how married life was going. I told her what I had recently prayed about. To my surprise she said that in her fellowship group, there was a newly-wed lady who recently shared with them about going through the exact same thing! The lady said that she also felt guilty for spending all her time with her husband and not enough time with God anymore! I was really glad to hear this. I felt like it was God's way of telling me that I'm not alone and it's quite normal!


Thankfully with time, prayers and patience I got back in touch with God and I've been able to balance both relationships. God now has His rightful place in my life, and hubby has his right place in my life too. Hubby and I now have our separate quiet time with God, and then have our couple time with God together. It makes me wonder though, how much adjusting I would have to do when children come into the relationship and I have to divide my time, attention and focus even more.

PS;dug this out from archives as told by my old friendie :)lol

Guest Post: Reality as a Newly-Wed!

. As a fellow newlywed, she knows how it is!

I can't stop thinking about it all: how well the day went, how beautiful I was and how colourful the occasion was.
I have fleeting glimpses of specific moments the walk down the aisle, the kiss, the vows (I barely remember this, I rushed it, reading it all over again I begin to realize the gravity of the words I said just as mere words), the exchange of rings, the dancing, and how I did not taste the food!
I married my prince charming, my honeymoon was a blast, it should be a tradition every year in our marriage.
I’m back -- and not just back from our trip.  Back to 'normal' life, back to my new home, it feels strange. The thought of marriage makes me feel older, more responsible.  A life where I am constantly reminded of my new status, the society expects so much from me already, my in-laws expect a bump in the next 2 months, my parents can’t wait to become expectant grand-parents. The new weight on my fingers-the rock and the metal!!! An absolute beauty and treasure! It was carefully picked. It’s one of the symbols that reminds me that this is forever.
“How long is this forever? I wonder”. “What if I can’t go the whole forever?”
Now, my schedules are kinda clear, no vendors to meet,  no marriage counselling..., no venues to visit, no more wedding sites for inspiration. I have suddenly become the newly-wed!
This is it!!! The Marriage Scene begins.
Now, it dawns, the only reason I had planned and saved so hard for a day's event is because of this scene...the marriage!
Now, I scurry to the internet, ‘survival tips for newly-weds’, ‘My first week as a newly-wed’, ‘Furnishing our new home’ , ‘our first home-made dinner’ etc, etc.
Now, I am stuck with nurturing my own experiences?
· No two marriages are the same, learn to stay with what works for you.
· Communication and talking are two different things.
· Sex is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. It is more spiritual than physical. It represents a giving of one’s self. I expect my spouse to tell me how well I am doing sexually.
· Marriage gives you a life-long opportunity to spend time together. There's never been a better time to get to know each other better.
· You will need to master the art of compromise, it’s not as easy as it sounds, in fact I hate it, but you know what, its creates a middle ground.
· Marriage makes me feel older...another feeling I hate!!! Why can’t I rewind to 10yrs earlier.
· Talk about how money is spent, if joint-account works fine! If not...avoid it. It may be right for accountability, but if it makes you spy over your spouse and may leave distrust then my advice...avoid it!
· Let everyone including your in-laws and parents know how important your spouse is to you.
· It feels good to overhear my husband mention ‘wife’ over the phone, but that word makes me feel responsible for another human being.
Need I say more, marriage is honourable, happy endings are still very common!
I am working at my own happy ending…
What’s yours?

NICE CHIC OR GOOD WOMAN?

There is a question every single woman that has been in a couple of ‘potential relationships’ that for one reason or another fail to materialize asks themselves, I’m I just a good chic or a good woman?

How she will answer this question holds the key to understanding why some women seem to be husband magnets while others just have to keep holding out hope forever.

The answer in my mind is simple. While I don’t claim to be a master of this boy meets girl thing by any degree of the word, (there are those well versed with it much more than I); I do know one thing. When a man wants to settle down, he simply looks for a good woman.

Not a nice chic. Because while nice chics are just that, nice, a good woman is SAFE.

Nice chics are for going out, hanging out with, doing fun stuff, friendship and talk, and just do things with.

A good woman? That’s someone a guy wants to live life with

So, what’s the difference? I’m glad you asked.

First, let’s define marriage in a man’s language. And you may be surprised it’s not the usual relationship jargon and romantic lingo people keep ranting about.

When a man wants to settle down; he will simply go to the safest place on earth. The safest person and place that gives him a sense of sanity, stability, and an assurance from his fears. Where he knows he will be OK. Truth is, only one woman fits the bill. Because only one really did this for him. His Dear mama!

 I have a theory on men and their marriage choices; Every man is looking for his mama in the woman he wants to marry. And what mama gave him, He’s gonna look for in a woman he wants to live with.  Which is basically a sense of safety, stability and care. To men, marriage is a huge investment. He will invest his life’s work, emotions, love, money, future, kids… basically everything that holds his world together. And he ain’t gonna do that with a ‘risky’ woman. Nope. No way, hapana. Nada, Ah ah. Ain’t gonna happen.

Risk is for play, safe is for investment. Risky is for now, safe is for keeps. And the thing is, nice chic is a risky affair. At least to the jamaa on the street.

And, Marriage is an investment to any man. Sorry, but that’s how we process. That’s why men will flee their own home when the returns they expected, I’m talking love, respect, care, challenge, fulfillment and joy are taken out of the equation. He will hide himself in a career/job/woman…. Whatever else that ticks his fancy.

So let’s see what a nice chic is and is not. Ladies, and gentlemen, Lean forward. Ready? Go!

Nice Chic (Please notice what she is Not, that’s where the key lies)

1.       The ‘fun’ woman, she is spontaneous but not consistent

2.       She is the hip girl, not the homely one

3.       She is smooth, not gentle

4.       She is sensual, not charming

5.       She is pricey, not priceless

6.       She has power not influence

7.       She can make you feel, not feel you

8.       She is with you, not for you

9.       She’ll spend with your life, not life with you

10.   She loves you, not your world

And What she is not, is what makes a woman a good one. Good enough for a guy to sit back and think about you and him; (When he is weighing his options on who to go for-Yeah they all consider 3 or 4. Not just you alone!)

The paradox is, Most good women, will have the same qualities as the nice chic, no doubt... I mean, that’s a pretty obvious fact. However! The key to the good woman is what the nice chic is not.

Here’s the remix. The good woman is; consistent, homely, gentle, charming, priceless, influential, feels you, is for you, lives life with you, and loves and can handle your world. Period!

Got it? What the nice chic is not, the good woman is. And that, for men, is a HUGE deal.

Huge enough to cause a delay or even a change of mind when it comes to popping the question!

I’m just saying!

Posted  by Pastor Wa

Why Should Christians Wait For Marriage To Have Sex?

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Sex is not only a hot topic in our culture, it’s also on the minds of most couples in love. It’s a natural, God-given desire — a gift intended to give us pleasure and express our intimacy.
But did God have a plan in mind for sex? What are the freedoms and guidelines? Let’s look at Scripture to find some answers to these questions.
First, God intended sex to be enjoyed between a man and a woman in marriage. God created Eve for Adam because Adam needed a mate comparable to him. He needed companionship, relationship, and intimacy. So God chose marriage as a sacred and honorable relationship in which to meet those needs (Genesis 2:23-25).
Second, throughout Scripture we are commanded to avoid all forms of sexual immorality (Acts 15:29 ; Romans 1:29 ; 1 Corinthians 6:13-18 ; Galatians 5:19 ; 1 Thessalonians 4:3). That God is concerned about sexual purity is clear in the Old Testament (Deuteronomy 22). In the New Testament, Paul said that satisfying one’s burning passions before marriage is not an option for the believer (1 Corinthians 7:2,8-9).
Third, when we enjoy another’s body (physically or mentally) for sexual pleasure outside of marriage, we are guilty of covetousness. Exodus 20:17 says, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house, you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.” To covet means “to desire, take pleasure in, and delight in.” The point is that you may not take what is not yours. You may not take illegitimate delight in what does not belong to you. One must ask, “Am I selfishly delighting in (coveting) what is not mine?” Our bodies belong only to God and to our spouse (1 Corinthians 6:19; 7:4).
Last, as followers of Christ, we must govern all of our behavior, decisions, and thoughts with the principle of love (Matthew 22:37-40). What does it mean to love your date? Loving means to put your date’s welfare, both short-term and long-term, above your own desires. To love is to respect and protect (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). We should test our intentions and actions by asking ourselves some questions: “Am I really seeking to do what God wants me to do?” “Am I placing my date’s welfare above my desires, thus loving that person?” “How does my dating life stand up to the test of love?”
The world wants us to believe that sex outside of marriage is okay. But without the commitment of marriage, sex is a shallow illusion of intimacy. It is nothing more than erotic stimulation and/or a temporary escape from loneliness. It is basically selfish. Consequently, it often becomes a means to manipulate and control others. This easily leads into the strange perversions of sexuality to which we as a sinful, desperate people are prone.
This is far from what God intended for His children. God loves us and wants only the best for us. God has given us all good things to enjoy, sex included (John 13:34 ;James 1:17). So how will we best enjoy our sexuality? Within the security of a committed marital relationship. Within a loving marriage there is assurance, accountability, and a commitment to work on the relationship when times are difficult.
You may wonder, “How far can I go before marriage?” Except for intercourse, Scripture does not specifically outline what is and what is not forbidden. God leaves that up to us to decide, keeping in mind the principles above. However, it is wise to prepare ourselves before we enter into a romantic relationship.
First- Set your standards now!
Don’t wait for a passionate moment to decide what is off limits. Holding hands, warm hugs, and kissing are all natural expressions of true love and genuine care for a person. If a touch like this does not cause you to lust and it is done out of respect for another, it can be considered an appropriate touch. There are, however, more intimate physical expressions that should be reserved for a married couple. They are designed to stimulate and excite and to culminate in sexual intercourse. These activities should be avoided by a dating couple because their purpose is to prepare the body for sex. Examples of these activities are fondling of breasts or genitals, heavy and passionate kissing, necking, petting, and oral sex. This list is not conclusive, however. If touching another causes you to lust, or if it defrauds that person, it’s time to back off.
Second- Listen to the little voice inside!
If you are doing something or are in a situation that is causing you to feel uncomfortable, guilty, or violated, listen to those feelings. They are there for a reason. Because there is a natural drive within each of us to protect ourselves, the feelings we have are “early warning” indicators that we may be experiencing personal harm. We need to trust our feelings, speak up, and exercise listening to that “little voice.”
Third- Picture it!
Imagine that the person you are dating is your future mate. That’s not so difficult. But now picture that person with someone else on a date. How would you want that date to go? How far would you want that sexual relationship proceed? What kind of activities would be off limits then? Now think of the person you are with as someone else’s future mate. How are you going to leave this person? A little used? Is that how you want your potential mate? How do you want your sister to be treated on a date? How do you want your brother to act? This little exercise puts our dating life in perspective, because we all have people so special to us that we want to love and protect them. This is how we should approach the person we are dating — as someone special to be loved and honored.
Waiting for sex until marriage can be difficult. We’re often tempted to choose what will give us instant pleasure. A man and a woman who are tempted to give in to their strong sexual desires will do well to admit their struggle before God, trust Him that He will meet their needs, and use wisdom and self-control to avoid falling into the trap of premarital sex.
Will God still love us if we choose the path that leads away from Him? Will He forgive us if we have not lived up to His standard of purity? Of course — we all struggle with living up to God’s standards. David is a good example of a man who gave in to the temptation of sex outside of marriage (2 Samuel 11:3–12:20). He and Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah, had sex. David lied and committed murder to try to cover his tracks. After he was confronted with his sin by the prophet Nathan, he repented and God forgave him. However, David still had to live with the consequences of his choices. He had to live with the fact that he had a man murdered. David’s reputation was irreparably marred, his son died, and his household was thrown into disarray. David suffered greatly because of his choice to have sex with Bathsheba. How will you choose to live?
Taken from Help For My Life

MR AND MRS IMPERFECT

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with GNG some weeks ago. We were talking about relationships and accepting imperfections in your partner ..and she suggested I should do a post about that. So here goes:..

When we are single and thinking about the attributes we would like in our future partner, most of us think about the desirable things we would like. For example, we could say we want a man that is God-fearing, caring, patient, hardworking, honest, family-oriented, intelligent, etc. This is great and there is nothing wrong with setting a high standard for one's choice of future spouse. After all you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person, and you have to love them, and be proud to show them off to family and friends.

However, many of us forget that no matter how great a guy is, he will definitely come with his faults, weaknesses and imperfections. Just as in the same way, no woman is perfect and the guy too would have to deal with an imperfect wife. We don't often think about these things until we are confronted with them. I am often amused when I come across wedding websites and I read about the couple's glowing remarks about each other. Of course they both talk about the great characteristics of the other person and present them in the best possible light. Still, I know that even the happiest couples have to deal with each other's "shortcomings".

Now, please note that I am not talking about obvious major deal-breakers here. If a man totally compromises your principles on major stuff like pre-marital sex, religion, honesty, physical violence, integrity, fidelity, alcohol and substance abuse, etc, then that is a completely different issue and it is best if you try to spot those issues VERY early on, before you get into a serious relationship with him. It would certainly not be worth the heartache to start dealing with the consequences when things go wrong as a result of things that you are totally not comfortable with.

What I'm talking about are those "little" things that we would like to change in our partner but it's not really up to us if they can change. It could be things like: he doesn't know how to share his deepest feelings with you, or he doesn't like to be the first to say sorry after an argument, or perhaps he's a complete introvert and your friends think he is anti social. Maybe it's the opposite and he's so friendly and social that you feel his life is too crowded. Perhaps you like to receive gifts often and he's just not the gift-giving type. Or maybe it's something as silly as: he totally abhors any kind of physical contact when you are in public. (I know a friend of mine that said she would like to hold her fiance's hand when they are out together but he doesn't like it! But apart from that, she's totally fine with him).

These are things that don't mean he is a bad guy, and they could stem from many things, either the way he has been brought up, his experiences in his previous relationships, things he observed in other people's relationships and many other things that could have shaped his views. The same thing goes for you as the lady. You are a great person no doubt, but you have also been shaped by many factors that make up the totality of who you are.

I read somewhere that the 80:20 principle comes into play here. Since nobody is perfect, you are never going to find somebody that is 100 percent good 100 percent of the time. (Only God is good all the time!) So the rule is that you are most likely to meet someone that ticks 80 percent of the criteria on your list. If you fall in love with that person, you then have to deal with the remaining 20 percent that is missing. It could also mean that you two are perfect for each other, 80 percent of the time.

Now imagine that you have found the man of your dreams and he is everything a girl could ever wish for. He is God-fearing, generous, intelligent, well educated, considerate, an excellent cook, got a great sense of humour and good looking to boot. But he has a few minor flaws, he's a bit of a workaholic and he chews his food really noisily, so how do you deal with it? Especially once you get married and you are confronted with these issues over and over again? (I would like to hear your answers please!)

Let me give you a personal example. Hubby is the best man in the world (yep!) but he doesn't usually compliment me on how I look. It used to annoy me a lot before, especially when I make an extra effort to look fab and he says nothing. But when we are out, I get compliments from everyone else and I wonder if he just doesn't notice. I brought it up one day in conversation and he said he would try to give me compliments more often. I can't say he does it a lot now, but oh well *shrugs*. I've learnt to ignore it and compliment myself when I look in the mirror. I've also had to learn how to receive compliments from other people without holding it against hubby. Hopefully one day he'll change, if I'm patient enough but what if he doesn't? I can't do anything about it, that's something I've come to accept. In the meantime, I know for sure that he's having to cope with my own flaws too. I'm not the most organised person in the world, and he has to work around that. I'm not likely to change into Martha Stewart anytime soon!

ps:this is an entry from a pal

L - Listen
O - Overlook
V - Value
E - Encourage

(I'm guessing overlooking imperfections is a major part of love!)

Have a great week!

HAPPY NEW YEAR

A happy new year to you my awesome readers...It hit me we are in mid Jan and I still haven't reported to this station..So sorry..Not that I do not have stuff to write..told you marriage is a school..There's lots I'm learning Just need to Decide and update thee blog.
Mr.Ouh and I are currently facilitating a Dating couples bible study based on the book of songs of solomon and meen I'm having sooo much fun....On sunday Toommy(WE ARE USING A SERIES OF TEACHINGS BY TOmMY)was talking about dating and courtship.The couch where I was sitted with two other ladies was on fireeee,maybe passionate about the topic..the whole idea of a dude taking a chic for more than five dates and he aint saying nothing..huh???tskkest,,,cant wait to put that up..thinking of a catchy topic...will be right back,keep it locked.
Wishing you all a blessed year..May the lord deal with you bountifully.
With every blessing
Mrs Ouh:)