RELATIONSHIPs AND ACCOUNTABILITY

 “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel” – Proverbs 12:15

Currently,I have been doing the 40 days of love dare-Today's love dare is"love is accountable....I love accountability/mentor ship and any other word to mean the same.I had been thinking of mentorship lately then kapish...today;s love dare was on that.so i decided to share my thoughts on the same..was actually nodding my head throughout today's article.

  The idea of having a mentor might seem weird at first. Nobody wants to feel like their relationship or their decisions are influenced by some external party. Then there is the issue of confidentiality - how do you trust that the person  will keep your stories/secrets confidential? Or how about trusting that they won't later use that information against you. And how can you guarantee that they will not be partial in their advice to you and your partner?(just trust..lol)if you get awesome pips,this shouldn't be a problem.. All these are valid concerns. I still believe though, that for any young person in a Christian dating relationship, having Christian mentors is really important.
In my case, when I first started dating hubby, I realised that i/we needed a mentor couple that we would go and bounce things off to..okay not only for bouncing back purposes..lolest..but have fellowship,share and learn..Hubby and I have several pals who have gone before us and we hang out often but we needed to identify"the official mentor couple"and with God's guidance we landed on two sets of awesome couples..one is older and the other are more like our peers though they have gone before us in this journey..married with several years experience and a baby number one with number two on the way..surely there is alot to learn from this pals of ours . You can have friends"best friends"where you can be who you are share stuff and all but at times honest truth is more often than not you friends  are just as unwise and as immature as you are.they wouldn't give you better advice than you can give yourself, most times they will only tell you what you want to hear, they are most likely to take your side when you are wrong.ETC ETC,
Initially I was not the type to just share my heart out.I  used to super believe in me that I can always sort me out.. but over time as we had several hangouts with this couple,shared experiences I became easy and learned to talk..lol...it even reached a point where we would have a disagreement with hubby in the midst of this friends..hehe...*thank God there was someone to intervene,there was a man to understand hubby's point of view and there was a woman to understand my point of view.which made things easier and better and hubby and I were /still are confident of the fact that some people  out there have our best interest at heart/are praying for us/always there for us and if ever either of us decides to be super tough headed we have somewhere to run to and we will be good:)
Over time, I learned so much from them as well. They were very honest and open, there was no topic that we didn't discuss. We talked about everything: from facing sexual temptations to dealing with in-laws to managing finances and their  experiences on wedding planning and marriage. they shared many many stories and experiences..still do..
I think mentors have a role to play in helping young people/married pips as well with relationships. Having mentors really helped me and that's why I think they are so important. They can fulfil the role of giving you practical advice. They can speak from their own experience. They can correct you if they think you are making a mistake. They will look out for you and pray with you. I also think it is the best way of passing down wisdom from one generation to the other. Choosing a mentor can be quite difficult though. Ideally you should choose a couple, so that you can hear from both points of view. They should be people you look up to and admire. They should be happily married, who have successfully gone through all the stages you are currently going through and have stayed together. Choose people you can see or speak to on a regular basis so that you can keep in touch easily. And choose people who are not biased so they can be impartial in their opinions. And above all, trust God to lead you because human beings can only say what they know, but God knows everything.
point to remember::they are not against you but for you::they are not ceremonial,a relationship is created over time..do not force it. YOU HAVE TO BE DELIBERATE!


to the married:::or when you get married:::you consider doing this

"Get someone you can be accountable to. One that will ask you tough questions and who you can always rely on to keep confidentiality, you can either have a couple (preferable) but you can also choose a friend who you can trust. Do not let your marriage boat to hit the rocks, if you can get a friend to raise the sails and steer you to harbor safely.

TODAY’S DARE:

Find a marriage mentor – someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and loving with you. If you feel that counseling is needed, then take the first step to set up an appointment, during this process, ask God to direct your decisions and discernment."

THEORY VERSE PRACTICAL!/HOLDING THE TONGUE

Theory verses practicals

To my frequent blog visitors who come visiting sorry for talking too long to post something here...As i had said earlier there is a lot I'm learning,at times i don't even know what to write.so earlier today on Facebook a friend of mine updated her status and it read something like this'"Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. Prov. 21:9 (the scripture that makes my blood run cold)

COMMENT1:::why?kwani you are quarrelsome?

COMMENT2::standards are set in proverbs 31;;

HER COMENT:: prov 31 doesn't give me grief anymore. I decided I have the rest of my life to '...consider a field and buy it from my savings...and clothe my family in purple linen.. ' Lakini holding my tongue is an everyday job. I haven't entirely succeeded and seeing as he still lives indoors, I guess I haven't entirely failed either.

Tell you what??i liked this status update.like literally liked it and her comment as well,one coz i personally felt that the update was real and i could relate with it***keeping my mouth shut has been quite a challenge most often than not. wisdom has it that you have to be humble,know when to talk and when to keep quite.but i promise you its easier said than done.I'm sure many of us know the benefits of eating a healthy balanced diet, having regular exercise, making time for your quiet time with God, etc. But in reality we still struggle to put these things into practice. The same thing applies to relationships.

I will not miss to say that i have experienced the holy spirit as a helper in this lesson..there times that the holy spirit literally quiets me,its like I hear a voice in my ear telling me"FRIDZ shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,just when i have opened my big mouth to argue with my hubby or trying to force my way out of something or trying to prove my self right when I'm on the wrong..one to many instances.I thank God for living us with a helper-the holy spirit..i don-no what we would do without the helper.

As a single girl with a desire to be in a good marriage in future, I set about preparing myself to that reality. I read a lot of books on christian relationships and marriage. I prayed for God to make me a better person everyday. I listened to quite a few discussions and teachings on marriage. I attended quite a number of relationship seminars.doz,wm,that other one for rccg.visiting with married couples,had numerous sessions with our best couple I observed a lot  around me and took note of what I wanted to emulate and what I wanted to eliminate. Then finally, hubby and I went through premarital counseling before we got married. So I would say in terms of theoretical knowledge, I was definitely well prepared for marriage. I mean, how much more preparation does one need? I knew what marriage requires, but it wasn't until I was actually in it, that I had to start practicing them. but I sometimes struggle to practice.*i keep saying that?

Submission: This is one of those topics that we re-name and refer to with an alphabet like"the s-word.mara sijui the animal called submission...Submission is dreaded..i don-no why???(maybe i do)all i know is that its God's divine order..my bible tells me so,I have known about submission/heard sermons regarding the same/read books/participated in debates on the same..et al.ask me if i know what submission is"i will tell you i know what it is about,getting into marriage, I was now faced with the reality of living it. And here is where things really become interesting, knowing that this man is now my husband, and he now has legitimate authority in our home. Several times, we have been discussing an issue and it seems like he has made his mind up while I am trying to convince him to take on my view. It takes a lot to know when to back down and accept hubby's decision. Sometimes I can get him to see my point of view and then we both agree on the way forward. Yet, sometimes I feel with every single bone in my body that I am right, but he disagrees and I have to accept his final decision. We have had situations where hubby and I couldn't reach an agreement over something and then later, I feel the Holy Spirit convincing me to go along with my husband's decision. And I've found that when I do, everything usually works out better than I could have planned it. It takes a lot of getting used to, and I'm still not sure I've fully grasped the hang of it, but God is helping me. It has made me think that God put the man as the head of the home to make the tough decisions, so really when I submit graciously, it takes the pressure off me. It still takes a lot of grace and practice, but to have peace in your marriage, I recommend following the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Compromise: In relationships, there are two people coming together from different backgrounds, with different opinions, different values and different ways of doing things. Sometimes there is no right or wrong way to do something, we just have a preference for the way we are used to. for example my hubby prefers the toothpaste placed upside down,I on the other hand don't really mind how you put the toothpaste,lying flat,upside down,whatever. we reached a compromise and it was when he finds it put anyhow*he just turns it and puts it the way he prefers it being put.
That is just one example out of many of the different situations in which I have to practice making compromises. if we should attend a function or not/different priorities what comes first,do we buy a carpet or a rug,do we buy safeguard toilet soap or geisha...There are so many other things, Compromising usually means letting go of some of my choices, and trying to find a middle ground that we both agree with. It's not always easy, but I'm still learning.

Apologising: Who would agree with me that apologising is not always easy? Saying "I'm sorry" usually involves admitting you have done something wrong. Or you are guilty of something, or you have hurt the other person's feelings. Most of the time, it was unintentional too, so you have to apologise even when you didn't mean to annoy or hurt them. It's not easy to say sorry, we all know it's far easier to make excuses for our behavior. More than once, hubby has pointed out something I did wrong and I have found myself making excuses, or trivialising it as if it doesn't matter. But if it mattered enough for him to point it out, then I should say sorry and try to make amends.worst times are those when he is serious mad about something,and I on the other hand i do not see the big deal and i go ahead,open my big mouth an try convincing him that it aint a big deal*esh*u guy im learning * I know I expect him to apologise immediately when he has upset me, so I should be ready to do the same thing when I upset him. It's something I'm asking God to help me with, because I struggle with admitting that I'm wrong.(did i already write on selfishness?????lol

Obedience: . Obedience to any authority doesn't usually come naturally, as we human beings have a tendency to question why or rebel when asked to do something.(2nd nature or something of that sort) Even when God asks us to do something, we sometimes procrastinate or demand to know the reasons why. And we can carry this attitude into our relationships. Of course I'm not saying that I have no free will of my own, or that I must obey my husband even if something goes against my conscience. But if I put my pride aside, and I recognise that he is acting in love, then obeying him becomes slightl ! easier.woooooooop!!!!!its a wrap marriage is a fun school of learning and growing self:)you become better as you learn*****

I THOUGHT I WAS VERY SELFLESS UNTIL I GOT MARRIED(PT.2 OF SO HOWZ MARRIED LIFE)

This time round I have extracts on my post.l ol. I in boxed two of my girls and asked them to share something on the topic of selfishness/year one of marriage and this is what they had to say..I promised them that I will not disclose their names but rather I will refer to them as “a pal of mine”..That is exactly what I did.

PAL 1:         I think everyone gets into marriage thinking their way is the best. I for example was brought up by a single mother all my life, she showed me how to be strong and assertive and how to fight to make it, then I get a husband who was brought up in a family where the wife was submissive and he never saw his parents argue! so now I realised I had no clue what submission was, I had anger issues and I was insecure. I thought he would one day walk away and never come back. So I went back to the drawing board, I had to ask God for help and be extremely aware of myself. It's still a process that I am in trying to became a Christian wife.(a pal of mine)

Pal 2:   wow.....i feel that when u get married people don't really get the single hood out of their head completely. they want to be treated in a special way .then we tend to have a lot of expectations and when The need is not met ....we want to start blaming.....its always what have you not done for me . 

   I think most time is to treat and do to your partner what u you would like to be done for. The first year of marriage is usually a tricky one is a make or break point...u need to walk with your best couple at this point or a mature couple.....because u experience things first hand.(a pal of mine)

·         See below for hubby’s hands on experience on this topic as narrated and written by me!permited by him.lol

·         I have asked for permission to share this and permission has been granted, this day we had samosa’s in the fridge, it was a slow Saturday morning and we were doing our daily gazette reading time, so hubby felt like a samosa, reached to the fridge and warmed a few pieces..at that point I dint feel like a samosa but later on I did and of course reached out to hubby’s samosa.!!!.Reflex, hubby was like “sweetie, why are you taking my samosa?, there  are plenty in the fridge..warrrt!!I was like hey I’m your wife, it’s no longer your samosa, its ours Jand at that point I got pissed and went to a different room talking under my breathe we were ..i pouted esh!!..i wasn’t seeing how I was denied access to my hubby’s plate by hubby himself. lol..After a few minutes hubby came and reached out said he was sorry for being selfish, and his samosa is my samosa..lolest..We made up and we were friends again…lolest.at times it takes experience just to show us how selfish we can get...

·         Interesting topic I must admit. None of us wants to be termed as selfish. Nonetheless if we decide to be honest with ourselves then and only then can we admit that we are selfish in nature. I for one, Is still shocked that I reached a point I could confess that I I’m selfish...I’ve always been that chic, striving to impress the people around me, I mean si  I pray, I fast, I study my word, I’m involved in ministry I even have mentors..Ehe! boooyah!! I’m not Jesus, I’m not perfect..I’m bad, and it’s just by grace that I have been covered and all of you can’t see how bad I can be. But truth is I am selfish ,not to ,mean that I am comfy n happy about that situation and not doing anything to change, of course not, for me, it’s just the realization that hit home hard. I now understand why God in his word says Love your neighbor as you love yourself. He knew it won’t be first nature hence gave it as a command. I love my hubby to bits, no doubt about that.IM IN LOVE <3,<3,<3,I tell you.,

·          I sacrifice my time, my sleep and at times comfort for him hence I can easily lie to self that I obey the command fully,(I love my neighbor as self) where the story changes is when now you are relaxed and don’t want to come out of  my comfort zone(comfort zone can be many things, can be that personality that you hide in, that temperament u hide in, that habit you’ve clothed yourself in, that bitterness, that lie you have believed in, that past, that foolishness, that reality in your own world..et al)…

·             I remember a certain incidence when we were still very fresh in this institution of marriage, I was on leave but hubby was working. On this particular Saturday, he had work the whole day. His morning kicked off at 5am and he got back home at 10pm and Slept in. The next day was a Sunday, automatically its church d-day, so I woke up first fixed breakfast, showered, got ready and finally woke up my hubby who was very beat n still sleepy. So he was like, ”swits, I doubt I have rested enough, still  tired from yesterday’s events “Meanwhile, in my head, its Sunday so let’s just go to church you will come back to sleep, coz there was no way I was going to go to church and leave him behind..So he prepared himself ready for church.I dint mind asking how he felt for me my goal was we go to church...So when almost living the house, hubby’s like “my head is heavy, I think I haven’t rested enough”..ai?(the ai is in my head)’I was like “sweetheart no, we are newlyweds,  I’m not single anymore, I can’t go to church and sit alone and I have a ring on my left hand, people will think things**tsk…I went on and on, but honestly hubby was tired and he decided to stay at home and relax..wololos,(for my friends in the Diaspora wololo is a local dialect used in French and the luo community to mean shock),I got mad and forged with my mission, I went to church. But to a church closer to where we live.After the service I decided to go to the saloon, did my hair and came back home in the evening, in the name of punishing my husband. Do not forget .I’m still a born again Christian (ujinga ni)i felft justified at that point (DID I SAY UJINGA NI)of course I did apologise to hubby  later, and promised never to repeat that again. later on it hit me, how unselfish I was, I was just thinking of ME!ME!ME!ME!!..

As I insisted on my first post..Marriage is a school..You learn every day..if you are not  willing to learn, you are the WRONG CANDIDATE…have a learning day..Wont you…keep it locked for the next post feel free to leave a comment and share your thoughts, they go along way..tsssktskk…

"So,howz married life??"part 1

i LOVE MY TOPIC..LOL..its been almost 6months.ok 8days to click exactly six months since i said i do to the most amaizing man ever,and oh yes iit been amazing amazing amazing.
im almost done with paragraph one and my thoughts are still abit scattered..lol
once you get married,it kinda feels like there is this new big question in town. so,how is married life" think i used to ask my friends the same quetion,,no,wait,i never used to ask that exact q,i actually used to ask specifics,like how is sex?how does it fel to always be together/??do u fight??over wat???etc..but ya.i only get a few to ask directly as i use to ..i noticed every newlywed gets to be asked the big Q"SO,HOW IS MARRIED LIFE,spare some kidogo time bana,this is a learning curve..by 1month you you honestly still cant answer that question,ok its different for everybody,i have a pal who was hukus crying week one after getting home fom honeymoon,she felt overwhelmed by all the cooking while her hubby was huko's relaxing in the living room chilling for food..another one went for house work counselling end of month one coz she felt like a house help!do not be too fast to laugh!!wait for your experience or look back at your experience..i believe people have different expectations or some dont think about it..depending with personality,background etc etc..some of us calculate our steps before we get there..like sooo dear head lets do an open ended case scenario of our new life .personally i had to psycologically prep my self to be preparing breakfast,i have never really been a breakfast person or ever been in a position to wake up earlier to prep tea before..but now i had todid it for a week,amonth,2moths 5months and im still doing it..its now become part of me..its called adjustments.but still it takes adjusting...I asked another pal of one thing she would say about adjustments and she told me"even if you have dated for 7years..buyaaa..you do not know that man..when you start living together,thats when you will start the journey of knowing him..sorry thats when you begin the journey of knowing each other..so honey..stop givinhg us that excuse while dating,ati"we r still getting to know each other better n you have been dating for 4years"give us another reason..spare us tha one...
      I was talking to a pal of mine(been talking to many pals...clearly) who told me that she came up with a permanent answer to the question"how is married life"her answer was"ITS A LEARNING CURVE' so i stole her line and put it in my purse and use it when need be. truth be told it is a learning curve.tried and tested
 Another line i got recently,now this is personal inspiration..howz is marrioed life my answer"ADJUSTMENTS GALORE"Maybe all this sounds cliche but truth is they aint cliche ni "ukweli mtupu"pure truth
         In my few months in marriage i have come to learn one profound truth 'A good marriage,just like anything worthwhile,takes doing the right things EVERYDAY...EVERYHOUR...EVERYMOMENT..you can clearly see what i i mean when i say learning curve etc etc.

       Honestly there is alot of "cliche that is very true in marriage..like"you have to work at it"boooyah..ask me about it..things dont just work themselves...ai..if  you dont work at it..IT AINT HAPPENING DARLING..If  dont plan to spend time with hubby we will soon become strangers,if i do not clean my house often it will become a coackroach/rat haven,If i dont go out to get groceries in the market in good time..il end up buying 1onion for 15bob at my estate gate while at the market onions worth 200bob will push me for almost 2months.(verb-world)talk about intentionality..you have to be intentional about quite everything..In my head as long as you are married,you automatically spend enough time together and wont experience dramas for"oh we no longer spend time together,we no longer do fun activities.Honest truth is,even though you live in the same house,sleep on the same bed..you can easily be srangers,perfect strangers or is it housemates??you see the way at some point in life dad leaves the house early in the morning and comes back when ur in bed or almost turning in..yes!!yes!!you gotta make it work.
You basically have to adjust to almost to every life aspect(hanging out with ur gals..next post)
..hubby is a night person and im more of an early to bed and early to rise is the way to make you healthy n wealthy and wise..lol...so most often than not hubby has to sacrifice all his energy aand turn in at ten coz his wife wants to turn in..yes love equals sacrifice..i love stewed liver hubby loves fried liver..we have to find a way of balancing that out..so if this time we do fried,next time we do stewed..most often than not im the chief chef and honest truth is at times im tempted to stew stew and stew,,but hey love equals sacrifice.i used to iron my clothes when i need to put them on.Hubby prefers ironing straight from the clothes line,cough*cough*...one of those hard adjustments for me..but hey i wonna be "that wife'im trying,i promise i am"Hubby has a particular way he prefers his shirts hang on the line,almost took a pictorila tutorial for this..i gotta remind myself everytime wen hanging his clothes on the line,coz trust me he will know if i dont.Some adjustments are easy,others need sacrifice,others are a daily thingie..but thez grace..marriage is a school..adjusting to living together is fun in different ways..cant wait to look back 10years later.

    Adjusting to married life is a very interesting process in more ways than one.
 I believe every newly-wed couple goes through the same process of adjusting like we do And at times i wished someone could have told me what exactly to expect, so that I would feel like I was better prepared. You know how you ask your friends who recently got married, "So how is married life?" and they just say "It's fine, it's wonderful!". You wish they would say more, but you don't know how to ask. The truth is though, that no matter how much people tell you before, you have to experience some things for yourself.

 There is alot to adjusting..will continue in my next post:)keep it locked

Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe

                                                                                  By Renee Swope

Head
Father, I ask that You would continually renew my husband’s mind, resulting in a transformed life. Help him bring every thought to Christ and make it obedient to You. Give him a greater understanding of Your Word. Help him to think on things that are pure and right and worthy of praise.” (Psalm 119:15, Rom 12:2, 2 Cor.10:5)
Eyes
Lord, keep open my husband’s eyes to spiritual truths that You have for him. Help him to see things as You see them. Please guard his eyes from things that make his heart wander away from you and me. (Psalm 119:18, Psalm 119:37)
Ears
Father, help my husband to hear Your voice clearly. Give him wisdom to recognize your voice with certainty. Protect him from listening to those who aren’t seeking or walking with You. Guard him from negativity of what others say, and help him discern between good and evil. Thank you for giving him the ability to determine what is of You and what is not. (Is 30:21, 1 Kings 3:9, 1 John 4:1)
Mouth
Jesus, help my husband to speak the truth in love. Your desire is for him to be quick to listen and slow to speak – so I pray that you would make that his desire too. Give him courage to lovingly confront when necessary. Let the words he speaks be Yours, not his own. Help him speak words that bring grace and truth to the hearers. Thank you that You want to help him grow in his ability and desire to communicate with you and others. (Psalm 19:14, 119:13, 41:3; Eph 4:15, 4:29; James 1:19)
Heart
Lord, instill in my husband’s heart a desire to seek passionately after You. Teach him to guard his heart with diligence and wisdom. Help him deal with anything in his heart that is not pleasing to You or that separates him from You. Create in him a pure heart, O Lord. Thank you that You are enabling him to lead our family with integrity and honor. (Psalm 78:72, 119:10-11; Prov 4:23; 1 Thes 3:13)
Hands
Lord, I pray everything my husband does would be done with his whole heart, serving You rather than man. Seeking to please You alone. I pray You will increase his skills and his abilities so that he might bring honor and glory to you – and feel like a good provider for our family. Thank You for blessing everything he puts his hands to. (Psalm 24:3-4, Col 3:23)
Feet
Jesus, I pray my husband would love Your Words and walk in Your ways. Help him walk in a manner that is worthy of You, bearing fruit in every good work. I pray You’d show him how to creatively share your truth with our kids as he does life with them each day. Father, when he walks through the valley of the shadow of doubt and difficulties, I pray he would fear no evil because He knows that you are with him. Thank you for loving and leading Him. (Deut 6:7, 8:6, Col 1:10, Psalm 23:4)