Choosing
bridesmaids is probably one of the touchiest things, ever. It can be
touchy for the bride, who may be having to make some serious decisions
about who to include (while considering a budget, a limit on number of
attendants, etc.) and somewhat stressful for those waiting to be chosen
(cost, responsibilities, “will she or won’t she choose me?”).
I
want to stress to you how important it is that you pick the right
people to be in your wedding. I cannot say enough about what a challenge
it can be whenever you have uncooperative attendants or people who
really have no desire to be in your wedding, nor your best interests at
heart. Please exercise your best judgment in this area.
Example #1:
You have a dear friend that you met later on in life, perhaps in
college. You think it would be appropriate to ask said friend to be in
your wedding, but you do know a few things about her and you are on the
fence about it. 1) She is never on time. 2) She regularly forgets
appointments, plans you have made, 3) She
is jovial and just busting at the seams because you, her dear pal, are getting married.
I am tellin’ ya right now, that is
a “sitchy-ashun.” You love this friend and would love for her to be in
your wedding. There are a few factors that come into play here. You know
that the friend is not going to be one to devote most of the necessary
time and energy to helping you put together showers and other tasks
associated with the wedding. You know this. But the friend loves you and
wants to be there with you, to support you on this very important day.
It comes down to your choice. If you can deal with the fact that tasks
that may be assigned to her in all likelihood will not be done,
then you can go ahead with it. However, you must remember this later
on. Things are going to get hectic and you have to keep in mind that you
knew from the beginning that this friend was not going to be a very
reliable participant.
I think it is important to weigh the following factors:
Not
necessarily in that order. For some people, #1 is a really good way to
cut your list down. Sometimes #1 and #5 play in to one another and you
have choices to make there. What if you have 5 sisters? Do you have all 5
sisters as bridesmaids? This does something really awful to my brain.
As someone who does not have a sister I cannot begin to work that one
out, so you’re on your own.
Let me just give you a few bad examples from each of those points.
1. Length of time that you have been friends — A young woman includes a couple of girls who were her first best friends — in kindergarten.
Nevermind the fact that they weren’t friends once they got to primary school, or high school. And completely forgetting that bit about how they
haven’t spoken in years. For some reason, these two agree to be in the
wedding. They spend every moment the bride is out of the room
criticizing decisions she has made about her wedding, her appearance…you
name it.
I
understand honoring the friendship that you had, but I think if you
haven’t had any major contact with the person in the past 5-10 years,
you need to really consider if it is the best idea. Yes, you may love
them no matter what, but I’m serious, this can get really ugly, really
fast. People can change a lot in that amount of time and if you haven’t
remained in some kind of contact then you may be in for a nasty
surprise.
2. Reliability –
If the person forgets about your hangouts, chances are they will
forget the date of their dress
fitting,(stress the seamstress) and when/if they are supposed to be present at your wedding rehearsal. or maybe even forget your wedding date n perhaps show up on the next day(exxagged,muhaha), If you love them
so much that you can deal with them being in your wedding and really
taking on no responsibilities…GOOD FOR YOU.You
have to remember this later in the game when things get crazy and you
NEED every spare pair of arms that are available. And then you can’t
hold a grudge against the person because you knew from the beginning they weren’t going to be any help. Just keep it in mind 
Or
maybe it’s not that at all. Maybe they live far away and just won’t be
able to participate the way a person who lives in the next estate over
would. You can’t fault them for that. Just know what they are capable of
and be okay with that before asking.
3. How important it is to you that this person is in your wedding — This is one of the few things that I will pull the “It’s your day”
line on (because it’s NOT just your day; this is a family and community
celebration of a commitment you are entering into with another human
being…it’s not just a big party that’s about you in a fluffy white dress
so get over it). I have friends who get a few different family members and friends
suggest that they include certain individuals in their wedding party. On the
surface they may just be helpful suggestions, but the stories i've heard.esh!! they
were so so SO far off the mark I cannot begin to describe them to you.
Please
do not let anyone bully you into including herself/someone else in your
wedding. You will be unhappy and will likely be resentful of their
heavy-handedness.
Disclaimer;you cant include all your awesome pals on your line up,and not being included on a ine up doesn't necessarily mean that you are less of a friend/not loved/not pretty enough for a line up..*im jus saying*
What
I did do was ask a handful people who have meant very much to me over
the years to be in my wedding,as guests,helping out,running the side show.. Most of them said yes.:)that right there is a blessing!they did an excellent Job.
Make sure their presence is important to you and that you aren’t making your decisions to please other people.
4. Availability –
There is really nothing bad to say about this one, it’s simply a fact
of life. Keep in mind where your potential bridesmaids are in their
place in life. Do they have a job or schedule that might prevent them
from being present for important things leading up to the wedding
(fittings, showers, the traditional meetings..raracios/ayies.., etc.)? Is it possible their schedule might
even prevent them from being there(when you really need them) on the actual day-of? Are they newly
married themselves? New parents?
A
lot of cost comes along with accepting the responsibility of being a
bridesmaid. Not everyone will be able to afford it and you need to
remember that when you are asking and planning various things (dresses,
accessories, shoes). If you are not planning on paying for their dress
and other expenses yourself,(apparently that used to happen when our parents were getting married,those days for mzee Jomo kenyatta..we are in generation xaxa xema,digital,kujilipia nayo?) you may need to rethink things a little.
There is no need to put any undue stress on a person.
It
is a tough spot though, because if you make a judgment call here and
decide not to ask someone based on where you think they are, you risk
hurting them. One thing I did was ask each person individually, and with
those that I knew this might be an issue with I tried to be very
understanding and work with them. As it happened, these were the people
who didn’t end up in my wedding.
5. The Close Family Conundrum – Depending with the kind of relationship that you have with your sister(s) by the time you are getting married,you should be in a position to tell exactly where your sister(s) will come in handy.line up,run around,usher et all..just remember you don wonna be cat fighting with your sis on your wedding day..
One
last piece of advice. Be okay if they say “no.” You never know what is
going on in someone’s life. They may have a reason for declining that
you will never find out about. Personally, I would rather someone tell
me that they can’t be a part of my wedding than be there grudgingly and
half-heartedly. Either you’re in or your out on this one, bridesmaids.
ps;I;v heard my fair share of bridesmaiding n bestmaiding n being on the other side-briding*.. thus far..challenges yes..regrets not really
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